Dear Diary…

The crazy thing with blogging, is I was literally crying when I started writing this entry, and just by kind of writing it out, I can feel a lot of my weight lifting. I had two long paragraphs before this that I actually deleted. I just starting writing and couldn’t stop. It made me feel so much better but I’m going to get an actual notebook for that, because it’s not social media material. This whole blog is probably going not going to be social media material, but I just decided no matter how it turns out, I am going to post it.

(Quick SHORTENED explanation on crying: it’s 6:45 and I can’t get out of my bed, my cat got ran over last night, one of my most beloved friends is at the end of a brain infection battle and I could have lost her, I ate too much for a week and gained 10 pounds, the weather change, the time change, and the only money I have is literally…..change.)

These days dealing with stress is a lot harder for me than maybe the average person. I’m a lot harder on myself and I am way more sensitive than I used to be. I’ve also had to do a complete moral/life/personality change in one short year, so I have a million wounds that are still in the healing process.

My boyfriend probably thinks I’m one second away from jumping off the roof, and normally I would lurk around and be crabby or moody. I’m not very good about controlling my stress and anxiety since I went off all my meds and quit being an alcoholic. I have a tendency to bottle and burst. Meaning I hold it in and then burst it all over everyone in my path. Unfortunately for him, he is the one always in my path. I have breakdowns quite often actually, and if it wasn’t for him and his patience, and ability to talk me through it, I honestly don’t know what would happen. Communication is key he says. Well, I’m still learning how to communicate without yelling or shutting everything out completely. Chantal 2 years ago would “bottle” it all up then go take it out on a “bottle” of vodka. (I hate Chantal two years ago.) This is just not an option for me anymore and I don’t want that to be an option for me ever again. But it is hard trying to find a balance when drinking was my outlet. It’s been a very hard year and a half actually. It’s almost like being born again. I’ve had to basically start not only my life over, but myself as a person over too. Becoming your own person, growing up, and starting all over all at the same time has been the hardest thing I’ve ever done, and I was in labor with Claire for THREE DAYS. That was a cake walk compared to waking up one day and realizing that you hate the person you’ve become. And that is literally what happened to me.

One day I woke up and realized that I was a bad person. I know that sounds harsh and I know I am very much so far from being a ,”bad person,” but I also was very much so headed down a path of self destruction. I don’t even know why I am blogging about this right now but for some reason I can’t stop typing and the more that I do, the better I feel. So anyways, I drank too much, and I didn’t care about myself at all. It was a very dark place. I couldn’t shake it though. I couldn’t pull myself out. Then one day, I didn’t have a choice. I was on my own and for the first time in my life I had to figure it out in my own. First thing that had to go….dependency. I’m not sure if that is a word? But I needed to stop being dependent on things/people other than me. And this one was huge for me, because it was such a wide range of dependency. It wasn’t just financial, but I also depended on my friends in my social circle way too much, and I depended on alcohol way too much. So, I took a break. I vanished off the radar and I spent a whole year rediscovering who I was, and who I planned on spending the rest of my life being, and let me tell you, it was a journey. I found a best friend who loves all the same things that I do. And now I do those things. I fish more regularly than a retired 60 year old man, I can sit around, do nothing, and not be consumed with the fact that I am missing something or worried about what everyone is doing, I love being outside, I am content watching a movie. I would rather play cards with friends or have a fire than dance around a bar and act like a fool. I would rather spend $100 dollars on one meal out, then 100 dollars on one hangover. I enjoy my kids now for the most part….😜 and only want to wring their necks 2 times a week and not 5. I am sooooooo rambling on and on but I mean it…. I WOKE UP. I wish with all of my heart that I would haven woken up earlier, but I didn’t so now I just remind myself that even though I cant change the past, I can absolutely change my future. Trying to forgive myself and trying to convince myself I deserved a second chance was also a hard battle, but slowly everyday I am winning this battle.

I could ramble on and on for hours on this subject, but right now I feel good. I have literally typed myself into a better mood by releasing all my bad energy and bad thoughts out to the world. Writing really has made me feel good. My last blog was a little cry babyish, and this blog is a little dear diaryish, but, oh my gosh people try it. Try sitting down once and just letting the pencil or keyboard take over. Your mind will go, and your hand will struggle to keep up, and in the end, you’ll feel better and refreshed, you’ll have your very first blog post, and the ability to get back out of bed at 7:30 and to go watch the Sunday night movie that has become tradition that you almost just slept through….❤️❤️

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