Never will I ever…

Remember way back before we actually had kids, and we all said, “when I’m a parent I will never…blah blah blah?” The days when we pictured ourselves as perfect parents with strong morning schedules, healthy meal planning, positive reinforcement, and matched socks everyday? What ever made us think that any of that was the slightest bit realistic? The movies maybe? Pinterest? I don’t know.

I DO know that now when I hear those non-parents say, “when I have kids I will never”, I immediately want to slap reality right across their faces with my fist. I wish someone would have slapped me in the face with a warning or any kind of heads up on how hard it actual is to be a parent. No disrespect to my dear, sweet home economics teacher, but carrying around a baby made out of a bag of flour DID NOT IN ANY SHAPE OR FORM prepare me for the reality of being a mother. So, this got me thinking today. What if we could go back in time to those “when I’m a parent I will never,” days and be there to slap ourselves? No, that doesn’t make sense. How can I word this right? It would help if my kid wasn’t talking NON freaking stop in my ear while I’m trying to write this. So, okay, what if we could go back in time to before we had kids, and sit down with ourselves (like sit at a table with ourselves ‘now,’ and ourselves ‘then’) and ask ourselves ‘then’ to pick some, “never will I ever’s,” so ourselves ‘now’ could break the news to them that it’s just not going to work out like that. Get it? No? Good. Here we go……

So number one. Strong morning schedules. “When I’m a parent I will NEVER not follow a schedule.” What the shit is a strong morning schedule anyways? Why did I write STRONG morning schedule? I don’t even know what a morning schedule is, or even a schedule period. I’m guessing a strong morning schedule day starts out something like this…..I shall wake up two hours early, and make my kids a healthy, how ever many food groups there are, breakfast. (SEE!? I don’t even know how many freaking food groups there are anymore! We have two in my house, tacos and macaroni. And most weeks, tacos don’t make the cut.) This year at our school they provide breakfast and its free, and if it wasn’t, sorry kids…starve. I’ll get up earlier and make coffee and check my Facebook, but you little assholes aren’t getting up until 15 minutes before the bus comes. Shit, shower, shave, goodbye. 15 minutes with you two little……..precious angels (I can’t call them assholes twice in one paragraph, I’m not a horrid mother…….😳) that early in the morning is plenty. Mommy loves you, have a great day at school. Hugs and kisses……PEACE OUT.

Number two. Healthy meal planning. “When I’m a parent I will never feed my children anything but organic healthy home cooked meals.” Yeah, I think we basically covered the extent of that in number one……moving on…….

Number three. Positive reinforcement. “When I’m a parent I will never discipline my children.” You know what? This one actually stuck. We don’t discipline our kids, and now our kids are all assholes. (new paragraph so it’s okay.) Why is it so hard for us to disciple little people that drive us completely insane 50% of the time? We should look forward to it, not avoid it. I am so guilty of this, it’s disgusting. And now my children run my house, and I’m begging them to let me go to my friends house for a sleep over on a work night. But it’s the truth, and even worse then not disciplining, I will sometimes let my kids run wild then completely snap at them an hour later. Like who’s fault is it that they destroyed the kitchen while I watched Netflix on my phone in my room for an hour, theirs or mine? After not stopping them for an hour, of course they think it’s okay. I honestly remember doing things when I was little that didn’t even cross my mind were naughty until my mom informed me that they most certainly were naughty. Like coming home at 4am, or maybe getting my pop mixed up with some other kids Jell-O-shot. Kids don’t aways do stuff just to be naughty. Their brains don’t really work like that. Like if you catch your child filling up the toilet with cotton balls, she didn’t do it to be naughty….she just really wanted to do it, even though you’ve told her 30 times not to do it. Anyways, we are kind of bad parents! We need to work on this! Sorry, I need to work on this. I probably shouldn’t call other people bad. And speaking of bad, when do I get my timeout for this!?

Number four. Matching socks. When I’m a parent my kids will always look presentable.” You know what ‘then’ version of me, you’re an asshole, and I can’t wait to watch you go down. Forget this and I’ll be seeing you in hell…aka your future…..❤️❤️

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